Along the path towards acceptance


You’re there aren’t you!
You’re always there.
But I won’t look.
You disgust me.

You’re there aren’t you.
Whipping opportunity
from ‘neath my feet.
Poisoning my food.
Infecting me.
But I shall not look.
You repulse me.

What cruel trick brought you?
I’d destroy you if I could.
But know I’m too weak.
I’d wipe you from existence,
Do things
of which I should not speak.

I know you’re there.
But I’ll never look.
That broken, crooked face.
It’s too much.
I’d vomit.

I’ll do you a deal…
You can hold my fears,
and pain.
Lock away my insecurities.
Feed on them.
Just don’t make me face you.

Then one day,
in a moment of susceptabilty,
a little piece of calm,
some stillness I’ve found –
there you are.
Straight in to my eyes.
And I cannot turn away.

Your pain,
it engulfs me.
it surges through me.
Fixated by those cold,
dark eyes.
I see your cunjurors,
my punishers.

I punch,
and I scream.
Hurl insults,
that rise up from deep within.
I hate you.
I hate you,
and those that made you.
Do you see what you’ve done!

I cry.
it feels good.

though you certainly are.
I don’t want this hate,
That dwells within…
Let’s make another deal.
I’ll make you my everything!
Never can I unsee that face,
but maybe I can fix it!
Yes, yes, I’ll fix it.

So I cart you everywhere.
Reveal you to anyone
I think can help.
Please help!
Please, please help.

I listen,
I try,
follow procedures,
routines, instructions.
I try and try and try…
But there you still are,
That ugly face,
haunting me.
And I can’t shake this repulsion.

So I give up.
This is pointless.
All the useless advice.
The promises!
I’ll try to accept you.
What else can I do?
I’ve gotten used to you now anyway.
I’ll move on.

I breathe, try to let go.

You pounce on me,
take me by surprise.
Grab my face,
And make me look at yours.
Make me really really look.
Tears flow.
And the ugliness I saw in you,
it flows from *my eyes.

I’m sorry.

You are not so ugly.
A little crooked perhaps.
A little weak.
Weak from *my neglect.
The poisons I fed you.
I’m sorry,
I love you,
and I see you.
You broken part of me.

~ Kailash

1 thought on “Along the path towards acceptance

  1. Kailash Post authorReply

    This is something I wrote a couple of years ago at a time when I felt the need to express a process of slowly coming to accept certain things about myself, a process that’s unfolded over many years (and will probably continue to do so).

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